I will not die

A few months ago, I discovered the blog "I will not die" and it became a source of inspiration. Dereck suffered from the deep desire to live to drink deeply from life, while surviving in a world which stifled this goal. He had his goal of university taken from him, but he promised to not let go, to press on, to eventually get back to university to study, of all things, philosophy. Dereck has since achieved his goal, but in so doing, he has abandoned his blog because he did not die and the mantra is no longer necessary for his survival.

So I will take up the mantra for my own sake. Let me explain.

I have had a headache since November. And not just a "wow this is annoying headache" but the sort of headache that I wish I could lie down and cry from the pain every day, one that fogs my thoughts, and kills my pleasure in life. But I won't do that, not until I have to. See, I know that my life is valuable, I know that I must live for my own sake and for the sake of others. I owe it to myself and I owe it to the world to not give up.

But I'm getting weaker as each day passes. My headache is getting worse, my thoughts are getting cloudier, and I am less and less able to find the endurance to press on. I am dying. I don't believe that this headache will kill me physically, at least not soon, but I am terribly certain that I, who I am at my core, may wither and perish. I find myself in writing, find myself in philosophy, find myself in dreaming deeply and each of these things is atrophying as my headache continues to grow.

This first post of perhaps many posts is measure of remaining worth. I vow here and now that I will not die. I cannot give up on myself, I cannot let my headache get the better of me. I am bitterly aware that I truly cannot see the end of this, that I may be wrong, but I do not have the strength to look into the abyss yet. So, instead I choose defiance, I choose be a bitter freedom fighter for the only thing that I have left to fight for: myself.

I will not die. It's not nearly time yet.