Oh, Christo, you Pharisee, you hypocrite

Forgive me my mysticism, or lack there of, but we are all hypocrites. I do not claim to be holier than I am, which is to say, at all, but it seems to me, that taking any notion of God's grace as true, we must recognize that we are entirely undeserving of it. Grace, by definition is unwarranted, unearned, and sometimes unwelcome. Now, I know there are theologies that say that grace is irresistible, and I bet there are theologies that say that a person can deny grace, but it seems to me, one way or another, I'm here, I'm praying, and I am undeserving of that.
And please don't misunderstand me. My undeserving is not because I think myself a wholly wretched creature, but because it is the nature of grace to be undeserved. I haven't deserved really the opportunity to pray, no more than I really earn my right to live. I haven't worked for it, I just have it.
So, I'm hypocritical in saying this. All you who do not pray because you feel as though you are too sinful or uncertain or unrighteous in that prayer, to all those who are painfully aware of their inabilities and unbelief, simply start praying. Pray about those things, make them known and felt, but don't let this uncertainty keep you from that. And thus my hypocrisy is known, for all my utterances of assurance, I cannot find the weakness to pray either. I have no meekness in my bones that will allow me to kneel without a fight, and yet I will eternally beseech others to do what I cannot. Thus is the nature of my faith.

A fast begun

Father God, please bless the next forty days of fasting.
I pray that you will teach me greater humility and sensitivity to the needs of others.
I pray that you will give me direction regarding your will in my life.
I ask that you walk beside me, in me, and beyond me in this journey.
I pray that in this time I may learn to serve others more readily, that I am more willing and able to love my neighbors as I love myself.
I pray that in this time of sacrifice, I may come to know you more fully, that you will relieve more of your glory.
I love you and I am grateful for the blessings you have brought into my life.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

In the beginning...

Goodness, this has been a bit of a crazy 24( 36?) hours. Two long plane rides, severe jet lag, London to Oxford bus trip (on the opposite side of the road!), a trek into Oxford city itself, complete with dozens of schools, high spires, and a traditional English pasty (which is kind of like a pot pie only not in a pan).

I ended up (of course) in a discussion of theology yesterday while I was bone tired and made the mistake (?) of admitting that I wasn't sure that Jesus was God, which sprang into all sorts of questions and discussion and eventually me being asked to share my part of my testimony. This puts me in a vulnerable position in some respects, but also leads me to a more honest position. I don't feel like I'm keeping things under wraps now, so I can be free to express uncertainty and doubt at ease. We'll see how things play out with this, but I can admit that I'm a bit nervous about it. Oddly enough, I don't think that it will end up being problematic, partially because I assured people that I am definitely working at this and exploring it.

I've just had breakfast, I should probably get some Plato reading done, so I feel on my game when tutorials start. We have all day to do what we want, which is a blessing after the enormous trip we took yesterday. I need to get an adapter, or something like that, for my computer soon, because it's starting to run out of batteries. Maybe that will be my next task once other people in the house wake up.

Cheers

Bon Voyage

Tomorrow, I begin a whirlwind adventure to Oxford and the world. I am stepping for the first time from a small American life, to a larger, global life. I move from an national student, to a international learner. I'm excited, anxious, worried, and tranquil about the first foot on the road. I'm curious as to where those footfall after footfall will take me.

An adventure is at hand!