Exploring Internal Conflict, part 1

Being an open-minded philosopher is a tough job. I am stubborn as nails when someone wants to convince me of a new and different position. In this, I am hypocritical. But you can bet, can even be assured of it, that though the particular conversation, debate, or discussion is finished, it rages on internally.

I'm not satisfied with being right, or winning arguments. Winning debates can be done without any truth of the matter mentioned. No, I'm fulfilled when truth comes spilling into my mind like hot milk into my belly. I have no uncontrived ways of expressing this feeling, but it is the reason I ask questions, and the reason I attempt to disagree with people. I'm not trying to explain why you or anyone is wrong, but instead searching for the truth of the matter.

But let's get out of the abstract discussion. Let me give you something you can sink your teeth into.

For weeks now, I've been waging wars on marijuana and pornography. Externally, these two topics are settled. I've made outwardly defensible statements regarding a definitive "no, it's not right" to pornography and a more particularized "I'm against it's use by myself and those I love" regarding pot. To be clear, I no more exile pot smokers than I do evangelicals--I don't like it but I'll be damned if that prevents me from being friends with those who do.

But these outward stances hardly belie the frustrating and unsettling debate that continues in my head. I have no axioms for discussing pot smoking besides my own feelings about the matter, no argument that does not somehow treat alcohol and tobacco as arbitrarily acceptable and marijuana as wrong.

It has only gotten worse as I've continued to study the sociology of deviance, only gotten worse when I've realized that I, and my culture, label marijuana as deviant, but perhaps for unjustifiable reasons. Add to this the functional role that deviance plays in our culture, and I have begun to wonder whether their is any fact of right or wrong about the matter of marijuana use. It could very well simply be a deviant behavior labeled as such because it serves a use and not enough people are willing to defend it.

This internal conflict is further complicated by the fact that I have friends dear to me who have used the drug and continue to do so and others who would like to do so but don't for social reasons. While this has a great emotional effect on me, I feel as though my reasons for these responses are primarily forces that have been socialized into me and not responses that derive from some sort of moral stance or logical conviction. How am I to respond to this activity when I am unable to articulate any sort of coherence in my own internal discussion? I feel as though any response would be incomplete and too peremptory. This, of course, settles little since I do not have a choice to say nothing: to say nothing is to give at least external affirmation.

While marijuana use is not something I have engaged in, pornography is something I have struggled with for many years. Despite the attempts of my parents to keep me from viewing pornography, the internet can be a very eye-opening place to a young man. This viewing was always coupled with feelings of moral guilt, not for my sexuality but for a form of objectification of sex, and an intense curiosity for what other people and myself found arousing.

Flash forward to today, where the use of pornography has fallen off my radar, perhaps because of more real life relationships and perhaps because of an acknowledgement that my visual fantasy life is much less extravagant than that of other men. This is not to say that the urge is not there, but the desire runs parallel to the times when I feel the need for sexual attention, and thus doesn't seem terribly unusual.

But what of those moral feelings regarding pornography? They have lessened to some extent, allowing an understanding and a place for pornography to exist for others for the purpose of sexual arousal. But yet I feel as though it is still wrong for anyone, myself certainly included, to consume pornography in the way that it is most commonly consumed: alone. This is contradicted by my feeling that masturbation is something helpful to one's own sexual understanding. This puzzle is further complicated by feminist critiques of pornography from both sides of the spectrum and finally the issue of it's place in collective experiences and couple's watching.

It's simple to make a statement on the outside about these issues. It's challenging and trying to be intellectually honest about the matters. It's easy to be stubborn and hypocritical. It's challenging to unravel the puzzle. But I'm required to unravel, unfurl, untie, disentangle and discover. Call me the worst hedonist out there, but that is what gives meaning and pleasure to my life.